Are You Dealing With A Bully?

Do you have someone in your life who seems to delight in making you miserable? Have you tried everything to turn this situation around and nothing seems to help?
YOU COULD BE DEALING WITH A BULLY...

Characteristics of a Bully

Bullies don't want a win-win. They want TO win. They don't want to cooperate. They want to CONTROL.
Think of the challenging person who is mistreating you and ask yourself if he/she displays the following characteristics.
If so, you're likely dealing with a bully.

Hate Authority

Bullies can’t stand to be challenged because they’re afraid their “power-house of cards” could come crashing down.

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Play Martyr

Bullies love to lay on guilt  trips and play the long-suffering individual who is un-noticed and  underappreciated. 

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Super Possessive

Bullies come on strong and want or have to be with you constantly. They are insecure and see others as a threat to their dominance.

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Perfectionist

Bullies have impossibly high standards that you couldn’t possibly live up to. In reality, no one ever truly measures up.

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"As I work with schools across the country on the issue of bullying, I realize that the reason students often behave so destructively is that they have not been TAUGHT constructive behavior. Sam Horn provides that instruction. Schools interested in promoting peace and harmony and creating a safe learning environemnt woud do well to adopt the techniques in Tongue Fu! at School." - Gaye Barker, Coordinator for the National Education Association's Bullying and Sexual Harassment Prevention/Intervention Program

Bullies Use Weaknesses Against You

Bullies have a talent for ferreting out your emotional Achilles Heel and hobbling you with it. If you don’t want to be considered selfish, they’ll call you selfish. If you’re unsure of your parenting or supervisory skills, they’ll attack your parenting skills or call you a bad leader. This is the classical Machiavellian method of preying on your weaknesses so you’re impotent (lacking power or strength) and they’re omnipotent (having unlimited influence or authority). Their goal is to make you doubt yourself so you’re vulnerable to their attempts to intimidate you.

Bullies Love to Play Martyr

Does he or she try to lay on the guilt trip by saying things like, “Go ahead and go out with your friends. I don’t mind. I mean, who wants to spend time with an old fogie like me anyway? I’m sure I’ll find something to do.” Does th is person play the long-suffering individual who’s unappreciated? Is it a common theme that s/he is the only one holding the office together and everyone else is frivolous, hedonistic, incompetent, or selfish?

Bullies are Super Possessive

Someone who comes on strong and wants (or has!) to be with you constantly is showing a dangerous need to have you all to him or herself. Possessiveness is defined as “a desire to own or dominate.” Bullies often don’t have many (or any) friends of their own which means they grow to resent your other relationships. Does this person pout or try to make you feel guilty for abandoning him or her when you spend time with others? Bullies are so insecure they see everyone you spend time with as competition and as a threat to their dominance.

Bullies Hold You Responsible For Their Moods

Does this person blame you for his or her unhappiness? If they’re sad, it’s because you didn’t ask about their day? If they’re depressed, it’s because you don’t take them anywhere anymore? If they’re angry, it’s because you said something that provoked them? There will be no pleasing this kind of person. They essentially haven’t grown up, and never will as long as they continue holding everyone else but themselves accountable for how they feel.

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Bullies Are Perfectionists

Does this person take umbrage if you dare dispute his or her facts or opinions? Does s/he come across as a “know-it-all” who has to have all the answers? Bullies can’t stand to be challenged because they’re afraid their “power-house of cards” could come falling down. Their “my way or the highway” communication style is based on their need to be in control and beyond reproach.

Bullies Hate to Have Their Authority Questioned

Does this person take umbrage if you dare dispute his or her facts or opinions? Does s/he come across as a “know-it-all” who has to have all the answers? Bullies can’t stand to be challenged because they’re afraid their “power-house of cards” could come falling down. Their “my way or the highway” communication style is based on their need to be in control and beyond reproach.

If you disagree with this person, does he or she escalate their intensity in an effort to force you to concede? If so, it means that every conversation is going to turn into a verbal battleground. It means this person will start disparaging your intelligence, expertise, and experience so you no longer know what you know and won’t have the intellectual confidence to challenge them.

Bullies Tell Lies, Lies, Lies

Mark Twain once commented that “Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.” Does that description fit the person you’re dealing with? Does he or she self-aggrandize and exaggerate his or her achievements? In order to win respect, bullies often claim to have been to places they’ve never been, boast of knowing people they’ve never met, and excel at things they’ve never tried.

Woman is obviously frustrated by bullying

Bullies Constantly Find Fault

“A critic is someone who’s at his best when you’re at your worst.” -Tony Pelleto

Verbal bullies do their best to make you feel worse. They always focus on what you do wrong, never on what you do right.

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Bully or No Bully?

You may be thinking, “Well, my partner or boss does some of these things some of the time, but so do I! After all, no one is perfect.”

You’re right. We all have bad days. However, bullies don’t have bad days once in a while, they make the people around them have bad days most of the time. The key question to ask yourself is:

  1. How frequently does this person engage in the above behaviors?
  2. Is s/he willing to change?

If you can relate with many of the behaviors above, then this person is not just having a bad day — they intentionally verbally abuse others because it’s working for them.  

They have little incentive to change because their bully behavior is giving them what they want – power.

Dealing successfully with bullies requires a whole different approach. 

Kindness will be perceived as weakness.

I’m not suggesting you sacrifice your integrity and become a bully yourself. 

I am suggesting that if you’ve suffered in silence; if you’ve waited for the bully to “come to his or her senses” and apologize for their inappropriate behavior; that’s never going to happen.

You must take the bully by the horns if you want things to get better. 

The good news is, there’s help…

BULLY BOOK MOCKUP

Order your copy of

Take The Bully By The Horns

by Sam Horn

If you are in fact dealing with a bully… This book can help you determine if it’s possible for this relationship to get better. 

If so, you’ll learn exactly what to say or do to motivate this person to treat you with the respect you want, need and deserve. 

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