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How Can I Talk To My Child's
Teacher?
Sam Horn,
Tongue Fu! at School
Lisa, a
mother of eight year old twins, told me, “I’ve seen all the studies that
report how important is to be involved in your children’s education.
But every time I try to talk to their teachers, I get the impression I’m
bothering them. Any suggestions?”
“Perhaps it’s the way
you’re talking to them,” I gently suggested. “Teachers today are
over-worked, under-paid, and under-appreciated. A friend who’s an
elementary school teacher told me, ‘I try to do the best I can for each
student, but it’s hard when there are 30 kids in every class. The other
day, a parent called to complain that her son didn’t understand how to
do his homework and she wanted me to spend extra time with him in class.
I tried to tell her I don’t have an aide and I’m doing the best I can,
but she wouldn’t even listen to me. She ended up accusing me of ‘not
caring.’ It’s so unfair.’”
Would you like to know
how to approach teachers sensitively so they’re receptive to your
requests? Here are 3 common scenario’s with suggestions that could
increase the likelihood they’ll hear you out – and choose to cooperate.
Your Child Receives a Bad Grade
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Harmful Approach |
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Helpful Approach
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"Clarissa always
gets A's. There must be a mistake." |
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"Can we talk
about Clarissa's grade? This is out of the ordinary for her." |
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"You should
have contacted us when she failed those tests so we knew she was
flunking." |
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"In the future,
if Clarissa gets a poor grade on a test, could you please notify
us so we can catch it early?" |
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| Notice: The harmful
approach assumes there was an error and uses extreme words ("always,
must") which produce extreme reactions. The word "should"
criticizes the teacher for something that has already happened
which serves no good purpose - because no one can undo the past.
As the saying goes, "We can't motivate people to do better by
making them feel bad." The word "should" makes people
feel bad and doesn't suggest how this situation could be handled
better.
Try This Instead: Use the words "Can
we talk" to open the conversation without blaming. Use the
words "In the future" so you're politely suggesting how
this could be handled differently from now on. The words "In
the future," "From now on" and "next time" are
ways of coaching mistakes instead of criticizing them. |
Your Child Has Been Out Sick and
Missed a Lot of School
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Harmful Approach |
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Helpful Approach
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"You need to
send her assignments home with her friend so she can get caught
up." |
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"Could you please
send her assignments home with Molly so she can get caught up?" |
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"You'll just have
to be patient. It's not her fault she got the flu." |
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"Please
understand that she feels bad about missing class and is
going to do her best to get caught up." |
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| Notice: The words "You'll
have to" and "You need to" are orders. Do you know
anyone who likes to be ordered around? Those words often cause
knee-jerk negative reactions because they make people feel
verbally pushed around.
Try This Instead: As Ralph Waldo
Emerson said, "Life is not so short but that there's always time
for courtesy." Instead of telling people what they have or need
to do (which usually produces resentment), turn those orders
into courteous requests. Asking "Could you please" gives
people incentive to respond in kind because they're being
treated with the respect they want, need, and deserve.
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Your Child Has Been Bullied on the
Bus
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Harmful Approach |
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Helpful Approach
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"I have a problem
with the way you handled this." |
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"What else can we
do to make sure this doesn't happen again?" |
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"I know he's been
suspended, but that's not good enough." |
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"I realize he's been
suspended, and what assurances do we have that he's
learned his lesson?" |
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Notice: The Harmful
Approach uses the word "problem" which is a "fighting
phrase" that accuses people and puts them on the defensive. The
word "you" makes this statement come across as an attack.
Plus, the word "but" pits people as adversaries. (Just
look at these phrases . . ."I hear what you're saying, but
. . ."
"I know I agreed to do that, but . . . " I'm sorry that
happened, but . . . ") Simply said, people who use the
word "but" will end up arguing because they're re-butting
each other's points of view.
Try This Instead: Use the word "we"
which puts people on the same side instead of side against side.
Replace the phrase "I have a problem" which focuses on
fault --with "What else can we do" which focuses on
solutions. Use the word "and" which acknowledges what's
being said instead of arguing with it. And, when dealing with
troublesome situations, ask how this could be improved instead
of giving an ultimatum. Asking questions gives the other person
autonomy and they're more likely to suggest a solution because
we're sharing control instead of asserting it. |
Do you have other challenging situations with your
child's teacher, and you'd like to learn how to handle them
constructively vs. destructively?
Get a copy of Tongue Fu! at School: 30 Ways to Get Along with Teachers,
Principals, Students, and Parents (Taylor Trade Publishing,).
It is packed with suggestions that provide you with, as Don Cameron,
former Executive Director of National Education Association said, "a
specific road map for cooperation and conflict resolution." |
